Friday, April 16, 2010


There is a house party going on in the apartment next to mine.

"But Cole," you say, "if you live in an apartment complex, how can it be a HOUSE party?"

Excellent question! There is a bit of a checklist that goes with the term "house party." Let's review:

1. Deafening bass beats that could be mistaken for music if there is enough...
2. Alcohol. Large quantities of alcohol and intoxicated individuals.
3. More than the maximum number of people allowed by the fire marshall in a particular sized space.
4. Lots of mistakes being made in the same place, often due to the influence of item #2.
5. (optional) Angry neighbors. defines this event as "a hobbit house party with more people, beer, and less playstation."

I had to then look up "hobbit house party." I think it's a British thing.

Anywho, back to the list. Let's see...

Are there mind-numbing bass beats pulsing through the poorly insulated wall? I believe that's a yes. (wom wom wom wom.... womwom... wom wom wom wom... womwom)

Is there alcohol involved? I am going to vote yes based on the slurred speech and female-drunk-mating-calls coming from the outside hall area.

Are there too many people in that apartment? Since they are spilling out into the aforementioned hall area, I'm going to assume a yes, although they may just be escaping the pulsing alien ship inside the apartment that's making those gosh-awful noises.

Are there mistakes being made? There is a small, well-to-do Asian family with a small child living right across the hall from this hubbub. Do you know what angry daddies and mommies of small children are like when they are forced to encounter intoxicated students? The party itself is a mistake. Moving on.

Angry neighbors... Well, I'm getting there. If the cute Asian family doesn't get them by 12:45, I may have to say something. Just a kind, "could you turn down your oh-so-impressive bass? kthanxbye"

I hear one, two, five, seventeen... more people coming upstairs to join the party. The birthday party, come to find out. Assuming that the high pitched "HAPPPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAY!!!" was an event appropriate statement.

Now, let's make this perfectly clear: I enjoy fun with friends just as much as the next overworked, high strung, oatmeal-squares-with-mango-slices-eating gal. But I enjoy sleep an awful lot too. And I have to write a paper. Which will prove difficult if I have to listen to *wom wom wom wom. wom wom. womwomwomwomwomwom. wom wom wom wom* all night long.

Meanwhile, do you have a stamp I can borrow? I've run out...


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