Who Am I?

The Lord is good, His ways are righteous, His timing is perfect, and His love never fails.

I've been encouraged by the intersection of God's justice and merciful love recently.  He is a just and holy God--I'm in no way capable of entering his presence.  I'm a sinful, prideful, gnarly, dirty, fallen human.  If Adam and Eve hadn't have eaten the fruit in the garden, I would have.  He loves me, though, so much that He provided the way for me to be with Him--His Son Jesus Christ took the punishment that my sin deserves and was separated from God in my stead.  He mercifully and lovingly took the just punishment that I deserve in order that I may stand on Christ's good and spotless name.  Not only that, but then Christ DEFEATED death!  He arose from the grave as the victor over death, and He lives forever at the right hand of God, having paved the way for sinners like me to enter into heaven with Him.  We can't do it in our power.  We have to trust in Him.

The hard part is the waiting!  I trust you, Lord!  What are you waiting for!  He whispers to me, "I have more for you to do here.  I have a grand mission for my glory, and I invite you to be a part of it.  Make my name famous and glorious.  Be a mirror, that the sun may be reflected.  I have a fantastic plan for this world, and it began before the world was even created, and it is amazing.  You don't need to know the details--you need only know the steps that I show you, for you are a thread in the tapestry that illustrates the Truth of my Holiness.  I invite you to take this specific next step, trusting me and honoring me as you go."

With my faith in the Lord, His Word on my heart, and His Spirit as my trusty guide, I'm moving forward, baby step by baby step.  First the lesson was to trust in His Plan, ultimately for the world, and then personally for me.  I'd trusted myself/relationships/knowledge/the world/anything before, and those failed me.  I wasn't created to trust in those.  I was created to trust the truly Trustworthy.  It's a daily re-learning.

Next lesson is to trust in His Timing.  He doesn't reveal that next baby step until it is time for me to take it.  I must complete the current mission, learning all I need to learn, before continuing on.  Sometimes I really really want to rush things along.  Sometimes I wish He'd slow the mess down--I liked that peaceful meadow of a moment!  Can't we hang out there for a bit?  Sometimes I feel pressure from people/society to go at a different pace, even if I am confident that I'm following the Lord.  It requires reliance on a strength and power very much outside of myself to make it through those pressures.  Praise the Lord that He'll never give us more than He has equipped us for.

Do I still sin?  Yes.  Jeez, yes.  Sadly, yes.  Thankfully, I'm covered, once for all, by His atoning sacrifice.  The more clearly I see the depths and depravity of my own heart, the more grateful I am of the Savior who has paved the way for me, even me.  The more saddened I am by the stain of sin, the more sweet the saving work of Jesus.  There is nothing I can do to lose His love, and there's no sin so big that He hasn't saved me from it.  He knows all that was, that is, and that is to come, so there's no new sin in my little life that pops up that makes Him say, "Whoa whoa... Didn't see that coming.  Yeah, I didn't cover that one."  He knew before I was born how dark and dank my soul was to be, and yet while I was still sinning, He died out of love and for justice in my stead.  His love truly never fails.

This is my eternal hope.  My confidence.  My identity.  My joy.  Nothing is more important than the facts above, and everything is influenced by it.  By this Marvelous Light, I see.

This is who I am--from this vantage point I [try to] live, work, play, and write.  Join me?

Slacking

Have I been slacking?

On blogging, along with most other life things?

Yes.

I find I have had very little inspiration, get-up-and-go, or naturally occurring excitement in my life lately.  I get home from work and can barely make it to the couch.  Dishes sit in the sink, and I'll meander by the kitchen, look at them, maybe wash a glass so I can get some water, and barely make it back to the couch.

My cat is all, "I told you this was fun, yeah??  Just lounging??  You in??"

I'm all, "This kinda stinks a little.  I'm gonna get out of the house."

I've tried to get involved in little projects--curl my hair (fail), start a garden (someday), sew a dress (nope).  Then I mosey over to Jared's house thinking, "Boyfriend!  He'll think I'm fun even though I'm a bit of a knot on a log at the moment!"  And, ladies, that is just not true.  If you're a wet blanket, he thinks you're just as un-fun as you think you are.  He just might be more polite about it, if you're dating a good one.

Somewhere inside me is a lovely, exciting, attractive girl.  I know quite confidently that she's down in there.  She's low on energy at the moment.  She's low on incentive to emerge--why should she?  To emote to the cat?  To really POUR myself enthusiastically into finding subs for Sunday School classrooms?  Think of the boyfriend, fun inner me!  Think of Jared!

But unfortunately I'm so low at this point that I am having very real doubts that even sweet bf would find her all that lovely, exciting, and attractive.  Being this low gives me incredibly short term memory, so that I can't actually remember him ever finding that girl lovely, exciting, or attractive, but I'm sure he has.  Sometime.  Back then.  Right?  Good grief--why is he dating me.

In this state, the most beautiful fact in the world is that I don't need to muster up the energy to impress Christ.  He will never love me any more or any less, no matter how I feel about myself.  Cole's curled up on the couch staring at her cuticles again?  God knows, He's there with me, whispering encouragements despite my stubbornness.  BECAUSE of my stubbornness.  Feeling tempted to avoid the Bible, but that's where the medicine is.

I am back to journaling.  That started back up at 4:30am this morning.  Journaling for me.

Maybe that was the inspiration I needed to resume blogging for you!

Not that a post like this is exactly gonna make your day, if ya know what I mean.

Thanks for listening anyway :)

Putting This Out There.

http://extension.ucdavis.edu/unit/agriculture_and_food_science/master/maternal_and_child_nutrition/pdf/102_107_maternal.pdf

Goal.

Fall of 2013.

Let us pray.

Some Things Crowding My Mind

My life looks quite pulled together.

Looks can be deceiving.

Do I have a roof over my head and a job that will pay the rent on that roof?  Yes, praise the good Lord.  Do I have a sweet sweet boyfriend and a warm fuzzy cat?  Yes, again, praise the good Lord.

However, that same good Lord is sparking a desire in my heart, and that desire could take me to a frightening place.

I call that place "organic chemistry."

I recently realized that I have a passion for nutrition and always have.  It's always seemed so natural to me, so I didn't think about it as, oh, a calling (you may have read entire blog posts on my fascination with nutrition, meanwhile I had no idea that other people didn't nerd out about such things).  Which means I majored in Sociology, which, while awesome, will not afford me much of a job outside of research and/or teaching, which I'm not feeling. 

SO, grad school, I'm looking to you to remedy my academic deficiencies in this area so that I can go out into the world and teach people how to put the right things inside their super cool hydroelectric machines - aka, bodies.

Well, I started daydreaming.  I started researching grad schools.  Found The One.  Found The Masters Program Designed For Cole.  And found that I lack 5 classes in prep for that course.  A full year of general chemistry and 2 organic chemistry classes.  That frightens me to no end.  There's a REASON I went into the humanities department.  It's because math and science were a little... harsh for me.  Chemistry isn't my strong suit.

But imagine, if you will, me as a Master of Advanced Study in Maternal and Child Nutrition.  Be still, my beating heart.  But if that much chemistry is required to get in, first, can I do it??  Can I make it through those prerequisites?  And second, does that mean that the program is super duper chemistry heavy?  Is that really what God's calling me to?...

Anxiety.  And that's just really silly, because if God has planted this desire in my heart, it's for a reason.  Maybe because I need to start on this path to find the one that's really for me, or maybe because this IS that path and I have to go through the valley of the shadow of evil (organic chemistry) to refine my faith in Him and see how He completely carries me through this--to see His Goodness and Sufficiency.  To see His Faithfulness and Omniscience.  Do I really believe in these characteristics of God?  Because if I do, my only response is to trust Him and step forward in faith.

Without panicking and losing my mind.

So, sweet reader, pray for me as I embark on this frightening journey into the complete unknown.  I feel completely ill-equipped for this, but he has pro-vided (He has seen before me, He knows what I need and He will give it right when I need it).  Maybe he has provided by encouraging you to procrastinate whatever you're doing enough to pop over to this blog, and maybe YOU are a nutritionist and you can give me some tips and tricks!  If so, leave a comment.  Even if you're not a nutritionist, encouraging comments are welcomed and needed.

Love :)

An Update--18 days into 2012

I'm sick.  And that's not fun.  But it's not the bad kind of sick [throwing up].  It's the sinuses-punching-me-repeatedly-in-the-face, eyes-puffy, nose-running-throat-sore kind of sick.  So, I'm down for the count, but I'm not weeping and frightened of the things my body's doing.  Just annoyed that it's interfering with my day.

In other news, I think I've really gotten started on 6 of the "12 for '12" resolutions.  8 frames hang on my living room wall, only 2 to go, and I'm really excited about that.  I made whipped potatoes like a champ for Sir Wasdin in the ole KitchenAid mixer.  My nails are longer than they've been in... Not sure.  A long time.  I forgot how feminine that makes a hand look!  Look, ma!  Girl hands!  Money for missions, God's given me a good plan for $400, and I'm excited to use $40 more to go toward encouraging my small groupers into devotional time!  I'm thrilled to say that I have a schedule FULL of gal-to-gal time this week, working on that #12.  Also, I've been going through the Quest devotional given out by CCBC, and I'm LOVING it.  It's going through the Psalms of David, and it really encourages me not just to read, but to fully process and apply it.  Praise the Lord for that!

However...  I think today I'm not going to worry too much about resolutions, plans, or to-do lists.  I think I'm going to really REALLY take it easy.  My heart needs some time to be still and trust, and my body is requiring that of me.  Grateful for the excuse to just... be.

The Big 2 and the 12 for '12

Hey folks!

So Happy New Year!!  A VERY happy new year, actually.  I'm really excited about 2012.  I've got a list of "would love to do's" and "gosh darn it--WILL do's" for this year, hopefully making some good habits.  God blessed me tremendously in 2011.  I got a job that's been a blessing in so many ways, I've moved into a big girl apartment with my sweet kitty Baghera, I've made or reconnected with several people who I know will be lifelong friends... Also, I've got a charming boyfriend (sweet sweet Jared) who is just as big of a delightful, joyful blessing as he was a year ago when we started dating (ok, a year ago on SaturdaySundayMonday.  We have agreed on a general 3 day dating anniversary.) and I'm excited that he's stuck it out with me this long :)  You see, I'm not exactly EASY to date.  But hopefully I'm growing in that direction!

Speaking of, how about listing those resolutions so that you can be on board with me as I grow this year!  Kinda scary to throw it all out there for you to see.  It will make me commit to them more knowing that I have this kind of accountability (even if I only have 2 readers, that's 2 people who will know just how ambitious I am about this year).  But here goes!

Big 2:

-JOY.  God has been working in my heart tirelessly to teach me what joy is, and how I can find it through Him.  He's helping me to find full juicy satisfaction in Him, rather than seeking for it in this world.  Now, this process has been years-long, but He has recently made it clear that if I choose to commit to it, and to Him, this year can be the start of a lifelong JOYFEST.  And I'm all about that.  So let it begin!

-One hour a day in quiet time with the Lord and/or in the Word.  An hour.  A whole hour.  A not-looking-at-the-clock-worrying-about-all-that-I-could-be-doing-with-this hour.  It's so important.  I've tried "quickie" quiet times or short passage Bible reading plans, but that's cheating myself out of quality time with my Father.  That's not building a relationship.  And it's also not been teaching me the discipline of resting in Him and finding peace in those quiet moments with the Lord.  So this year that changes.  Already I have felt an awesome desire to read the Bible--sadly not a desire I've frequently felt.  But committing to being with the Lord for an hour sounds so much more amazing than an hour of Biblical history reading, ya know?  But if God is at work through that history reading, and I'm actively listening to what He's teaching me?  Oh yea.  Sign me up.

I have some hopes/dreams/fears/wishes for this year, but those are quietly tucked away in my LBJ (Leather Bound Journal.  Read about him here.).  This isn't the time or place for those.  This is the time and place for the 12 for '12!! Twelve mini (or not so mini) resolutions that I'm excited about doing/starting/finishing in 2012.

1.  Complete the black frame collage above my sofa.  It's time.
2.  Let this be the Year of the Mixer (I got a RED KitchenAid Mixer for Christmas, and I am PUMPED!).  I want to bake at least 1 thing a month--for someone else.  Wanna be the recipient??  Let me know.
3.  Strive for Intermediate Level of French.  Mhm.  No classes, just Rosetta Stone and me, getting REAL.
4.  Plant and nourish a garden.  My hope is to cook with things I've grown from my balcony garden.  Which I don't have yet, but I will.
5.  Grow my nails out long enough to "deserve" a manicure.  I have an awful habit of messing with my nails.  Makes em not cute.  I wanna break that habit.
6.  Grow (along with my nails and vegetables) a quiet, peaceful, joyful spirit.
7.  I'll tell you about this one in a month.  Just wait for it.
8.  Take more pictures, learn techniques, seek out some good snaps
9.  Deliberately open up myself for opportunities to share Christ.  Gotta listen to the Spirit here.  It will let me know when and with whom.  I'm not a street corner kinda gal, if ya know what I mean, but I've also missed opportunities when I'm sure God could have blessed us both with that conversation.
10.  Save $, but not to excess.  (not that I make enough to be considered "excess"--I just want to develop good habits of not saving it ALL, as could easily be my fearful planner-style mode of operations, but learning when to spend or give, such as...)
11.  Give $, to help missions.
12.  Invest more in PEOPLE and relationships.  That means overcoming this weird little fear uncomfortable social situations. 

I have an overactive empathy meter, which can be crippling when I'm talking with someone who I can tell is uncomfortable, because I take on their discomfort rather than trying to figure out how to remedy the situation to make it great for the other person, thus great for both of us.  Jared has helped tremendously with this because A) he's a social butterfly.  Easily 60% of our relationship has been out and about, loving on folks, double dates, group activities.  He's pulled me out of the safety of alone-ness.  B) he's a fabulous example to follow in terms of making great conversation.  He could befriend a coaster in 5 minutes, and after 30 minutes, the coaster wants Jared to be the best man at his wedding.  Just watching him connect with people has taught me a lot about how to talk to all kinds of people--not just the ones we find easiest to talk to, but ALL kinds of people.  I've also seen how he takes those folks that he does find easy to talk to, and he really invests in them as a dear friend.

I will never be as social butterfly-y as Jared, but that's really ok.  I just want to get better.  I want my crossing paths with another person to be a blessing to them.  That's really the point of most of the 12 for '12--to help me grow into a well-rounded person who is a blessing for others to come in contact with.

Except the nails thing.  That's for me.

You are Not Alone--Reposted from "I Take Joy"

This is taken from the blog I Take Joy.  I was struck by the truth in her words, and struck by how many people I've heard from this year who've shared that this is a particularly hard, lonely season.  Read on to see what Sally Clarkson has to share on the subject...

"We were made for friendship. Our hearts are prewired to be loved, to belong, to celebrate and share life together, in community–to bear each other’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.

And so where would the evil one attack?

He would separate us to be alone, vulnerable, weak as one by ourselves in the battle for souls, so that we cannot be strong, joining arm in arm, heart to heart.

He would isolate us in neighborhoods where we live alone, with no knowledge or shared life with those nearest to us in proximity. With values and faith and ideals, that separate us from the world, but impossible to uphold alone.

He would break the close bonds of fellowship that church was made to uphold, the body knit together,  and let us go to large buildings filled with noises of music, people all around with nary an intimate friendship.

Loneliness, an epidemic. Here is the battleground.

That feeling in the dark of night that your life is invisible–Does anyone care? Does it matter that I keep dragging on day by day? Does anyone know the weariness of my soul? Do others swell with anger? Or wish for relief? or feel a lack of worth? Or want to quit and don’t even know what that means?

And so we gather, with food, drink, a little reprieve from real life, and touch someone else who shares our world. We gather to listen to His words. We gather to understand that our sacrifice is precious to the One who sacrificed all.

We gather to know we are not alone.

Our hearts are cherished and held by the one who counts our tears and sees our faith and knows our exhaustion.

We ponder Mary, alone on her journey through countries, through years of questions, through people seeking the life of her son, but because of her heart, her boldness to believe, Mary, finding favor with God, being chosen by him to bring His life into her home, so that the son of God would find comfort, beauty, love for the years he would live on earth.

A simple mother, whose heart gave all that He might have a safe haven to find rest for his baby soul.

And so, we meet to find strength, love, laughter, understanding and hope-the hope that keeps our feet on the path, our minds steadfast on our beliefs, our hearts willing to take another step of faith one more day, one more month, one more year, because once again, we know our life of giving and our love poured out is changing the world.

And so this is the message of Christmas–making time to love, giving time to talk, to share hearts to show compassion.

The gift of our time to listen and to share–it is what the baby did when he came for our sake and what we need and what will keep us worshipping a little longer.

and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

You are not invisible to Him, the one who came because He loved saw you and loved you.

Someone else in your life also needs to know this truth.

Today, invite a friend, call a loved one, take initiative to make room for encouragement so that your own soul needs will be met.

Buying one more thing will not satisfy. Investing love and heart time will restore, redeem, fill bring life and hope. Who needs you today? Who do you need to celebrate life with today?

Life happens when you open your door, invite and welcome, look into eyes and share life–

Wherever two or three are gathered, there I am in their midst…….

May God bless you with a new friend this season of celebrating the one who himself  took initiative in our lives, so that we would not be alone.

Food Adventures - Photo Documentation

I think I need not tell you that these girls are oodles of fun.  They were there on day 1 of the food adventures and experienced part 1 of bread making.

 Exhibit A: bread making.  Note that you should remove jewelry from your weird pruny old lady hands before kneading bread.

Then let the bread hang out under a towel to rise, butternut squash looking on.

This is the bread making work station.  A tidy little mess.

 This turned out to be a FAIL.  Apparently leaving beans out for multiple hours, though required, must happen in the fridge, which sweet Alice Waters didn't tell me.  So these suckers got nasty and had to be tossed.  Back to square 1 on the navy beans, which prolonged this cooking process by 2 hours.  Read ahead in the directions, folks.  Read ahead...

Alice Waters, though she failed to mention the bean thing, is pretty awesome.  Bread and fall minestrone soup recipes came from her book, pictured above.

 This is the only picture of finished herb focaccia bread.  Because I eated it all real fast after it came out of the oven.  Actually I think I was far too sleepy to take the final bread pictures.

 But whoa nelly, did that sucker rise!  I love the science behind that.

 Ya smoosh the dough out on that there pan, and ya let it sit AGAIN for 2 hours.  Again, read ahead folks... read ahead...

And here we have the soup and round 2 of navy beans chugging right along (smelled amazing, ps).

 Boom.  Soup.  For days.  Freeze lefty, and enjoy righty.  Later, defrost lefty and enjoy him too.

 Different day, same cookbook.  Roasted sweet potatoes with rosemary.  YUM.

The slicing, dicing, pinching area.  Where the magic starts.

 Toaster oven, where some of the magic happens...

Big oven, where the rest of the magic happens!  That's right.  Two ovens going at once.  One significantly smaller than the other.

It all turned out to be scrumptious!  Broccoli, sweet potatoes, carrots, mushrooms, and butternut squash.  Amen.