That Terrifying Question...

We're coming up on 100 posts, folks.  Just a couple more posts and we've made it to some centenarian postage.  This party's just getting started.

Also, 52 days to graduation.

Can we just talk about how flippin exiting that is?

And flippin terrifying?

Ok let me ask you something--if it's rude/uncomfortable/socially inappropriate to ask how old someone is, whether a child was a "surprise" or not, whether someone is a Republican or a Democrat, etc...  Then how is it possible that the following question is considered totally normal:

"So what's next for you after graduation?"

What a mean question.  If I do know, do you really care?  What if it's really boring?  Or totally outside of your realm of thinking?  What if you disapprove?  Do you still want to know?

And if I DON'T know...  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO??  FREAK ME OUT???

Good job.  It's working.

Because, no.  I don't have a post-graduation 5-year plan.  I barely have a PRE-graduation next-2-weeks plan.  Those of you who know me well know that this is kinda bizarre.  I like plans.  And structure.  And bulleted lists of things to do.  I like to have an idea of where I'm heading with a general timeline pointing to an ultimate goal.

And it is a GIANT challenge to not have that in my life right now.

God's pushing me to lean on Him--not on a plan that I make.  To trust that He's going to take care of me.  To trust that He has a plan and he's going to fill me in on it--in His sweet time.  To help me to see that my life is merely a vessel for His Glory--not a means for Cole's glory.

As uncomfortable as I am without my own plan, there is an INCREDIBLE amount of comfort in resting in the knowledge that God's plan trumps anything that I could make up on my own without His guidance.

For example - the ONLY plan that I have for post-graduation is to go to India on a short mission trip.  That's the only post-graduation plan that I have, and at the moment that is the most comforting, exciting, fulfilling plan I can imagine having.  Nothing else that I "test out" in my head (I do what could be called "statistical daydreaming") feels as right, urgent, and real as that mission trip.  I know without a doubt that I am meant to go on that trip.  Shoutout to old-school hymn - "Blessed Assurance."

Now.  The flip side.  I'm still praying that God shows me something else that feels as providential as that India trip feels to me now.  Something that has life-long implications.  I'm fully aware that the mission trip is 10 days long.  That's not very long.  Post-graduation plans usually involve something a little more long-term than just to the end of the next month.  I feel like God's going to use this trip somehow to show me something (oh hai, vagueness), but obviously I don't know what that is yet.

It's kinda a roundabout anxiety/comfort/excitement/anticipation/anxiety/comfort/ excitement cycle.

And how do you explain THAT to someone when they ask that terrifying question...

"So what's your plan for when you graduate?"