Evening Haikus

Indian Spice tea
Add honey and almond milk
A cup of heaven

Productivity
A foreign concept to me
At least for school work

Damn, what a clean tub
See?  I can be productive.
What can I clean now?

Sleepy black kitty,
You are a cute lazy bum.
Let's snuggle later.

Oh no!  What is this?
I think it's senioritis.
Please, no more papers.

Amazed by stats--of the blogging sort. No math in this post.

I'd just like to say hi to my dedicated Slovenian reader, whoever you are.

And to my Russian reader, though it tells me the traffic source from whence you come is what appears to be an interior design site.  Not really sure about that one.

I mean, you American readers are pretty cool, too, I guess.

:)

I'm fascinated by the blogger stats.  I get super excited about charts and graphs *pushes glasses up nose* so seeing a graph of the number of times people choose to visit my blog ASTOUNDS me.  Like, how is it possible that in September I had 340 visits? 

It's not counting the times that I visit here myself, so you punks who were thinking that can stop it.

Meany faces.

I HAVE FRIENDS!

And a reader in Slovenia!  I may or may not have pulled out a map to see where Slovenia is, exactly.

And here's a bonus bit of info!  I love other people's blogs.  If you have a blog, be it ever so humble, I would love love love to know about it.  I'm a tad attached to my Google Reader, so I can keep up with all of my sites in one place.  It's wildly convenient.  But I visit the actual sites often to comment or just to bump up your page views when I dig a post.

Because now I understand that significance.  I want you to get excited about looking at your blogger stats too :)

That Terrifying Question...

We're coming up on 100 posts, folks.  Just a couple more posts and we've made it to some centenarian postage.  This party's just getting started.

Also, 52 days to graduation.

Can we just talk about how flippin exiting that is?

And flippin terrifying?

Ok let me ask you something--if it's rude/uncomfortable/socially inappropriate to ask how old someone is, whether a child was a "surprise" or not, whether someone is a Republican or a Democrat, etc...  Then how is it possible that the following question is considered totally normal:

"So what's next for you after graduation?"

What a mean question.  If I do know, do you really care?  What if it's really boring?  Or totally outside of your realm of thinking?  What if you disapprove?  Do you still want to know?

And if I DON'T know...  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO??  FREAK ME OUT???

Good job.  It's working.

Because, no.  I don't have a post-graduation 5-year plan.  I barely have a PRE-graduation next-2-weeks plan.  Those of you who know me well know that this is kinda bizarre.  I like plans.  And structure.  And bulleted lists of things to do.  I like to have an idea of where I'm heading with a general timeline pointing to an ultimate goal.

And it is a GIANT challenge to not have that in my life right now.

God's pushing me to lean on Him--not on a plan that I make.  To trust that He's going to take care of me.  To trust that He has a plan and he's going to fill me in on it--in His sweet time.  To help me to see that my life is merely a vessel for His Glory--not a means for Cole's glory.

As uncomfortable as I am without my own plan, there is an INCREDIBLE amount of comfort in resting in the knowledge that God's plan trumps anything that I could make up on my own without His guidance.

For example - the ONLY plan that I have for post-graduation is to go to India on a short mission trip.  That's the only post-graduation plan that I have, and at the moment that is the most comforting, exciting, fulfilling plan I can imagine having.  Nothing else that I "test out" in my head (I do what could be called "statistical daydreaming") feels as right, urgent, and real as that mission trip.  I know without a doubt that I am meant to go on that trip.  Shoutout to old-school hymn - "Blessed Assurance."

Now.  The flip side.  I'm still praying that God shows me something else that feels as providential as that India trip feels to me now.  Something that has life-long implications.  I'm fully aware that the mission trip is 10 days long.  That's not very long.  Post-graduation plans usually involve something a little more long-term than just to the end of the next month.  I feel like God's going to use this trip somehow to show me something (oh hai, vagueness), but obviously I don't know what that is yet.

It's kinda a roundabout anxiety/comfort/excitement/anticipation/anxiety/comfort/ excitement cycle.

And how do you explain THAT to someone when they ask that terrifying question...

"So what's your plan for when you graduate?"

Exactly what I don't want to be doing right now:

Just barely got to sleep at 2:45 after an hour of trying. Rough evening. Got woken up at 3 by an intoxicated roommate looking for my keys. Which I'd left by the door. In case she needed to move my car. After I'd gone to sleep. Which I had. Now my intoxicated roommate and her two friend are sitting right outside my door, talking about throwup. The thing I like possibly least in the whole wide world. And the cat is meowing because they sound more fun, but if I let him out, I can't close the door because then he wouldn't have access to the litter box.

Did I mention that I have to be awake in 3.75 hours? To play with a hoard of small children? For 4 hours?

Yes. This was an entire blog post written at 3:15am to vent anger, frustration, and exhaustion.

Start today back at midnight and let's just redo the whole thing.

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Cole is feeling...

A leeee-ttle bit smooshed up and worthless.

Sometimes that happens.

It'll go away soon enough.

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Late Saturday Lunch!

Hey folks!

I'm hungry.  I want pancakes.  But not just any pancakes.

I want THESE PANCAKES.  They're whole grain oatmeal pancakes.

Mhm--I see that drool seeping out of the corner of your mouth.

About to go to the store to get a few things.  Want to know how Cole grocery shops on a budget?  Read on...

• milk - probably almond milk.  It lasts longer than regular milk, and it's better for you.  Get the vanilla flavor and thank me later.
• nutmeg - for the pancakes, but super awesome to have on hand anyway.
• fruit - 2 or three different kinds.  I like to get bananas, strawberries, and some other kind of seasonal fruit.  Bananas are cheap as anything, strawberries are often on a buy 1 get 1 sale, and maybe a plum, pear, or peach.  Grapes are also in season, but they don't go as well in fruit smoothies.
• avocado - just one, and if it's more than $.60, you're overpaying. (Find a 3 for $1 sale)
• veggies - a couple of cheap ones, like a broccoli head, mushrooms, and a bell pepper (I've got my eye on THIS RECIPE for this week.  It looks like it'll be super easy to take and reheat for lunches.  Yes, I think like that.  You should too. It makes your life significantly more college-affordable.)
• lunch meat - because I wanted an omelet today and I couldn't have one because all I had was egg and cheese and that's not exciting enough for me.  Hi, I'm Cole, and I'm an omelet diva.

Love you :) off I go to the grocery store!

**************************

Just got back from the grocery a few minutes ago.  It was raining.  It was the least cute I've looked at the grocery, possibly ever.  I did some probability stats before leaving and found that the odds were very slim that I'd see anyone I knew because 1) it's raining 2) it's homecoming for TCU 3) it's Saturday afternoon.  And for once, stats didn't fail me!  There were LOTS of people there (probably some acting agents, future employers, and such) but no one that I recognized.

I got out of there having only spent $22.87.

I got all things mentioned above, plus 2 different kinds of pasta and a container of parmesan. 

Ima chalk that one up to an epic success.  Shoutout to my Kroger card.

Also, the pancakes are being cooked even as I type this.  I multitask like a fool.

They far exceeded my expectations, much thanks to this little addendum that I discovered:  one food guy's pancake breakthrough!  It is indeed a breakthrough.  If you separate the eggs and whisk the egg whites to soft peaks, and THEN add the egg whites after you've added everything else, you are actually no longer making pancakes but little patties of heaven.

It's true.  I know because I've eaten two in the process of cooking them.  My taste buds do not lie.

I'm going to take some to the boyfriend as a peace offering for being late, but considering the fact that my peace offering is a warm, banana-filled, light and fluffy, stack of heaven patties, I think I'll be forgiven.

These are so good, they make the dripping sound of the leak in my ceiling sound like background music.  Now, THAT is a good pancake.

Post from earlier today:

Looked weird.

Paragraphs in the whole last section disappeared.  As did lots of capitalization.

Ugh.  That's what I get for blogging from my phone.

Just wanted to let you know that I fixed it so maybe I'll look less like a dummy now.

Have a beautiful Thursday tomorrow!

Today:

Let me tell you a little about my day.

1.  I've fallen in love with hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.

You will too.  Just try it out.

2.  I'm stinky.  I need a shower.  I had dance class today, and it was rough and tumble.  My hips are going to feel that tomorrow.  Leg swings.  Rolling around on the floor.  WHEW.

3.  My tolerance is diminishing in a particular type of social situation.  I'm gearing up for a big explanitory blog post.  Keep your ears up.  Meanwhile, see number 1.

4.  I dislike it when my professors have such severe and obvious chips on their shoulders (when it's plural it sounds like there's a stack of pringles hanging out on somebody's shoulder) about Jesus Christ. I understand that not everybody is a believer--oh trust me, I understand--but when that same professor speaks respectfully of all other faiths under the sun, it tells me that s/he has a personal and almost child-like rebellion from Christ.

Do you believe in Santa Claus? (if so this doesn't apply to you)

If NOT, does hearing someone talk about believing in Santa make you angry? Are you so vehemently against the belief in Santa? No. That seems a ridiculous way to respond. It's just that the whole thing isn't something you believe in. You don't feel the need to slam little kids who believe in Santa. Being angrily opposed to Christianity makes me wonder if maybe you are actually angry with God. It's mighty hard to be angry at someone you really don't think exists... Follow my logic?

That doesn't apply to everyone who doesn't follow Christ. But it's pretty clear that that's what's going on with a couple of my profs.

5. I'm about to watch the The Wizard of Oz with my dear friend Meg. So happy about that. :D

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Please note that I had to edit out some weird formatting stuff from earlier.  Sorry about that.  Silly Blogger-droid.

Great Outdoors

When I was little, I would go outside and play really hard.  Then I'd come inside, sweaty and stinky, and my mom would hug me and squeal, "Oooo! Cole smells like the great outdoors!"  She said this with a big smile on her face, and I'd just had an awesome time outside, so I associated "smelling like the great outdoors" with an AWESOME thing.

My dad is a classic Mississippi man.  He hunts.  Almost every possible season.  I can remember throughout my life my daddy going with some man-buddies on several-days-long hunting trips.  He'd come back and I'd give him a big hug and squeal, "Oooo! Daddy smells like the great outdoors!"  He'd also have an uncharacteristically scruffy face.

So now I live in a city.  Concrete spaghetti highways and interstates are more commonly seen than a cluster of trees that wasn't deliberately planted in that spot.  I miss the Mississippi great outdoors.  I miss finding peace in the woods.  I miss being around unmanicured lakes.

This sounds BIZARRE to those who have known me my whole life.  "Cole.  When have you ever spent a significant amount of time in the woods."

Well, I worked at a summer camp, but aside from that, not super frequently.  But despite that, I've always had a deep appreciation for the romance of spending time in nature.  Especially in the fall.  With all these beautiful trees changing colors, there is no better place to spend autumn than Mississippi.

I just got back from Duck Camp with my dad and my sister.  Duck camp is a little game hunting lodge on a big plot of land right on the Big Black Swamp.  It's not real swampy at the moment due to the fact that there's been NO rain for months in this neck of the woods.  But it's still gorgeous.

See?  There's a little water in there.  Probably some snakes too.  Didn't see any of those (thank you, Lord).

You can see on the trees how high the water usually is.  That darker bit is usually submerged in water.  These trees are getting thirsty.  But they're still lovely.

Look at that lovely sunset...  It's so peaceful out there.  Except for the gruff rumble of the ranger riding through.

It was lots of fun to practice taking pictures with a snazzy camera out there.  And then I practiced my organization skills and sorted all of the 554 pictures on my mom's memory camera into appropriate folders--dated with short descriptions.

*pushes glasses up nose*

I like orderly things.

Thoughts While Writing a Paper

Children's books prepare us for college.

The Little Engine That Could made it up the hill of exams and cruised with friends into the happy land of the weekend.

Frieda Fuzzypaws learned to eat her veggies so that her immune system could fight the fall funk that's attacking everyone's respiratory systems.

There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly taught us that sometimes gossip about other people's eating habits may include valuable life lessons.

Green Eggs and Ham taught us that sometimes it's ok for things that aren't supposed to be green to be green anyway.  Actually, no, that's kinda not ok.

All those Eric Carle books showed us that often, pictures matter more than words.  Find articles for your paper with lots of pictures in them and you'll be far more interested in your paper topic.

Goodnight Moon taught us to say goodnight to every website that we frequent before going to bed.

And yes.  I definitely did just write this rather than a paper.  I'll be getting back to work now.

The Day

You know what I'm talking about. It's The Day when the world seems like its conspiring against you. It's The Day when nobody's doing ya any favors. It's The Day when you feel hard as a rock, pushing through, cynical as all get-out.

Paper due tomorrow. Take-home exam due tomorrow. Neither completed (or close to it).

But I'm going to see family tomorrow :) That's a lovely light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll make it through these silly assignments. I'll grab some food and next thing I know it'll be finished. This time tomorrow, I'll be turning in that exam and peaceing out to go get a hug from my sister.

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India is ON!

I am overwhelmed by God.  Can't help but tell you all about it.

So, I've been planning a short term mission trip to India with Pioneers (awesome organization that mobilizes missionaries), and it looked like we'd been hit with a hiccup in the near-perfect mission trip plan. Well, I panicked and had a mini-meltdown.  I temporarily forgot that God is in charge.

Then OUT OF NOWHERE a facebook friend mentioned, "Oh, hey, yeah, mission trip to India? Cool, my friend's doing that in January too. Through your church.  Funny, huh?"

Ho'd on.  What? 

Why does this sound vaguely familiar?  I search back through my emails.  Oh!  It sounds familiar because I got an email about that church mission trip about a week after Pioneers had secured plans for my trip.  Since I already had a trip planned and it looked like it was smooth sailing, I ignored the email.

And ya know what, I was a little irritated that no one from the missions team at my church had mentioned it to me when I'd asked about a mission trip.  To India.  In January. 

But God had all of this under control (He's so stinkin GOOD at that!).  He knew that a hiccup would happen in the trip I'd been counting on, but I needed all of the prep for that trip to have my heart conditioned to embrace the church-organized trip!  Had I not learned and grown through the process of developing a trip with Pioneers, I might have taken the church trip without considering how incredibly providential that church trip really is!

God does things every now and again to remind me how much and how DESPERATELY I need Him.  And to remind me that He's better at planning than I am, even on my best days.

Oh and that church-organized India trip?  The cut-off day for registration is October 14th.  Yes, 4 days after that facebook reminder.  Found that out when I contacted the woman in charge to see if any spots were available.  And yes.  There was a spot left.  Oh hai, silver platter with God's plan for my life on top!

Oh and the cost for that church-organized India trip?  Same as (maybe even less than) the original trip I was planning.  Tax deductible donations?  Yessiree!

So, my dear dear readers--if you would like to be a part of sending me to India to care for children in the name of Jesus, I would love your prayers (first and foremost, pleasepleaseplease) and monetary donations are welcome, too.  Email me at colemortimer@gmail.com to get more info on how you can be praying for me and/or how to make a gift towards this trip tax deductible.

Take-away point from this post:  God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.

What is it about 5 hours of sleep...

... that makes me a little reluctant to do childcare?

Thank goodness it's all about Him and not about me.

Translation: I just reminded myself of the greater priorities.  Sleep not being above service for Jesus.

If you [meaning if you comprehend this sentence, consider it a direct address] are a believer and you [same very specific YOU] have a heart for missions, I may need you.  If doing mission work with children in India in January 2011 strikes a strange and beautiful chord in your heart, I need you to email me at colemortimer@gmail.com.  I beg of you not to hesitate.

It excites me that my new obstacle could be someone else's tug to missions.

If you expect the unexpected...

I get so frustrated when I hear people talk about expectations like they are a terrible, destructive thing.

Our entire social existence is built upon expectations.

Granted, if someone has unreasonable expectations, there we have something to discuss, and there is a fine line there.  But all expectations simply cannot be bad.  That's ridiculous.  I expect my roommate to not eat all the food in my cabinet (and she doesn't because she's awesome and she knows that some of it has probably been in there since we've moved in, and only I really know the difference).  I do not have the unreasonable expectation that my roommate will give me a deep tissue massage every night.  It would be crazy of me to get angry for her not fulfilling that expectation.  It would not be that crazy if I got angry about opening my cabinet and not seeing any food (which reminds me that I really do need to go to the grocery).

Also, it frustrates me that we're supposed to be able to talk about our expectations, when the vast majority of our expectations are built in to such a degree that we don't realize that we have them or that maybe they're unreasonable by someone else's standards until those expectations are not carried out.  I expected my poor, unsuspecting boyfriend to know that adding music to my well-crafted iPod without my permission would be SO against the rules, but because I expected that, I couldn't warn him that I would be super unhappy if he did so.  I didn't realize that he was going to do something so intrusive, and he didn't realize that I'd consider something so harmless as intrusive.

How was I supposed to know to forewarn him of that expectation if I didn't realize that he didn't have the same expectation?

In case you're wondering, that example is from many many moons ago.  We've overcome that obstacle.  And now he's afraid to touch my iPod.

So if I envision something in my head, and have done so forever, not realizing that there could be other ways of envisioning that thing, I am going to have a really hard time preparing someone else for any differences that I don't know exist.  But if that person is involved in that thing that's being considered (let's say a romantic relationship or a business deal), it could take a very long time for all of those differences to get worked out.  Especially considering the fact that those expectations won't be discovered until they are opposed by the other person's expectations.

In essence, I'm saying we're all screwed.

Not really.  That's not what I'm saying.  I'm just kidding, don't panic.  We just have to do the really hard thing where we reconsider our own expectations and ask ourselves honestly if we'd be open to changing them to something else in order to match the other person involved. 

If not, that's constantly going to be a rough spot unless the other person wants to change their expectations, which you should never expect (too much of that word yet?). 

But if you are willing to change what you didn't originally know you expected, congratulations.  You've reached a maturation milestone that not many people get to.  And I hope more people like you exist in the world.

That time of the year...

...when I have to relearn how to breathe.

It's also that time of the year that it gets a little chilly, which makes my fingers a little thinner, which means my ring slides around my finger while I type.

It's annoying.

Ok.  That's all the study break I get.  Back to Comte and Spencer and Marx and some poor man with the name Feuerbach.

Breathe in.... Breathe out.... Breathe in.... Breathe out....

Delusions

How is it possible that I could be so incredibly off?  I must delude myself.  I tell myself everything's just peachy, and then I'm surprisingly not surprised when things start to fall to pieces.

Look at how great THIS is!  Wow--look at how great THAT is!!  Look at that cute little black thing in the sky!  How WONDERFUL!

Hm, that cute little black thing in the sky seems to be getting closer!

And then BOOOOM!!!  Turns out the cute little black thing in the sky was a bomb.  A Cole-seeking bomb.

What's even worse is when I actually figure out that a Cole-seeking bomb is coming, and yet the same scenario happens.

What's even WORSE is when I know that a Cole-seeking bomb is coming, and yet I let myself believe that it is a frisbee coming my way instead.

What's EVEN WORSE than THAT is when that same Cole-seeking bomb throws out a personal insult before exploding everywhere.

But ya know what the worst thing is?  When I ignorantly launched the bomb myself.